Job Application to Rupert Murdoch

Addressed to: 

Rupert Murdoch

The secret passage behind the stairs to the PM’s office

Parliament Drive

Canberra ACT 2600

To Keith Rupert Murdoch

It is with great enthusiasm and even greater conviction that I would like to apply for the position of Executive Chairman at Sky News. I have watched over the Sky News coverage like a hawk for several years now (you can thank the goddamn Youtube algorithm for that) and feel that I am ready to bring your empire to illuminating new heights.

You don’t know me, but I would like to think of myself as a pretty trustworthy guy. I once found a wallet with $300 in it and only took $20 before returning it. I so easily could’ve taken the whole thing. See, I am just your ordinary Australian bloke like you once were, long ago (maybe). We have quite a lot in common. I too kept a bust of Vladimir Lenin in my room in college. I too have a fat stack of romantic problems. Lots of them. And guess what? We share the lovely and quaint home city of Adelaide. Do you remember it?

Five years of journalism studies at university have kitted me with all the subjective dogma needed to thrive in a professional media setting, and I plan to follow the path laid for me by my peers and cast myself into the very large net that is News Corp. My academic education ensures that I am ‘industry-ready’ so there shouldn’t be any issues handling the propensity of such a role, despite my lack of media experience and the year-long gaps you’ll find on my resume. I can explain those another time. Dinner at the Hilton, perhaps?

At the ripe age of 26, I remain impressionable enough that I can be moulded to fit company lines without sacrificing any great part of myself, morally speaking. I have no issues with firing staff, making cuts or breaking laws if I and the company stand to benefit. I have years of experience when it comes to bribery, forgery, theft, propaganda, and back-door solicitation. I figure these are essential skills for such a prestigious position, and I feel optimistic that my work in these areas puts me ahead of the pack. I also know a couple of guys on the Eyre Peninsula if you ever want to give the phone hacking thing a go down under. Maybe better off discussed in person (Michael Pezzullo – if you’re reading this, go away).

About two years ago, my angst for journalism hit its kettle-squealing boiling point and my attention shifted to fiction. I think my fiction skills will help to capture the News Corp tone and I can massage any bias, corporate messaging, or dog-whistling into news content with ease. I like fiction. Fiction doesn’t pay the bills though. Fiction doesn’t get you a down payment on a 51st-story apartment in Southbank with a hot tub, 100 Only Fans memberships, and VIP parking for the Kia Cerato. I think you and I can help each other out here, Rupert.

Due to some related life-ailments, I’ve decided I’m ready to drop the whole writer thing and kiss the boot for the long remainder of my career. I know News Corp is my only real option if I want it to pay well, and I’ve come to the decision that I want it to pay really well. The fact that this job pays so well is a testament to the ruthlessness of your business acumen. And what’s the point of being a journalist if it doesn’t pay well, right?

I know the Executive Chairman position is currently held by that ghastly yank David Rhodes, but it would be better for you and that chubby-tongued ghoul to let him out into the sunlight for a while. He’s so used to the artificial bug light that is TV sets that it just might blind him.

I also have an idea for a weekly column called ‘Racing Stripes’ that we could discuss further down the line, if my application is accepted. I think it could really help to fuel racial tensions, garner public support for immigration bans, and just generally take the Culture War thing you are firing up over there and pour gasoline all over it. Think Alan Jones and Rita Pinahi’s prose wrapped in one young-and-moderately-good-looking-bastardly-package.

Take as long as you need to consider my proposal. I don’t have much else going on at the moment.

With lukewarm regards,

Connor Foley

P.S. The fact that your third wife – at 68 years old – was more gorgeous than any woman I’ve ever been with is a testament to both your character and the erotic power of money. My condolences for the recent calling off of your engagement – I honestly thought Wife No.5 would finally be the one. Is it true that Tony Blair is Grace’s godfather? And that he and your wife had an affair with each other? Gee whiz. You are lucky that you own the tabloids or else New Idea would have had a fucking field day with that one. When the fateful song calls and you kick the bucket, I think you should give the Empire to me instead of Lachlan. I hope it's soon.